CHRISTMAS

I haven't posted for a few days because I've been busy. But here's my Christmas inventory:

Cane sword, Boomerang, Pacman pajamas, Sketchbook, Charcoal sketchbook, Charcoal (for drawing), Chalk, more pajamas (from my sister), Leather Airship Captain jacket, two movies (one horror, the other comedy), a box of my favourite tea, $50 from one grandma, and $100 from the other, a Russian hat with a red plaid design, and I think that may be it. The cane sword is freaking awesome though. 

That's the cane sword I got. Pretty, isn't it? I think so.

So the money I got from my grandmas I've saving for when we go to a huge tea shop some 750km away, and also because I want to buy a Viking sword/amulet of some sorts sooner or later. I like Viking stuff. Oh, and I got arrows for archery from my dad, and he just bought a quiver online for me because where I live, they only sell crappy quivers that latch on to your bow, whereas I prefer the kind that hangs from your side. And it's red too! (insert giant happy face picture)

He's so happy he has smiley faces in his eyes.
There we go. His name is Joey. Hope you like him. 

(updates later.)

Things that ruined my childhood

First of all, Disney movies. All their subliminal jokes they slipped in the scenes and things I thought were normal as a kid but are actually seemingly awkward as a teen now. I watched The Fox and The Hound recently and I was scared to find that when Copper and Tod were 'playing' it looked like they were trying to rape each other. They try to make everything seem kid-like, but in that manner have made everything immature to the point it's disturbing. Nowadays kid movies seem more realistic-ish but producers think kids these days are getting fat and irresponsible and are therefore a lot more boring because they have no action, retarded humor and plots like 'leading a happy life', 'not killing other people', 'sharing', and 'kindness'. Kids are way more interesting and badass if they're destructive and actually funny. They also make more friends that way. No-one likes happy little kids who are always doing their homework, cleaning, helping out their parents or doing something helpful instead of building a tank out of lego blocks and placing snakes in their siblings beds.

Apparently so.

Number two:
Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, etc.
When I was little I had always thought about these people. Santa, for example, enters your house, steals your cookies and milk, dumps off a load of presents-half of which you probably didn't ask for-then goes back up the chimney. Which confused me because some houses don't have a chimney. I would sit there and ask myself questions like, 'Why does he go through a chimney? Why not a front door? Why does he leave presents? What kind of job is that? Does he get paid? Why flying reindeer? Why don't kids in poor countries get presents from him?' I asked myself those questions until I thought my head would explode from the grief of not knowing and over-stimulation. Then one day, I realized why. Santa is a JERK. He doesn't visit poor countries like parts of Africa because he's racist! THAT FAT BASTARD. Screw you Santa. Even my little cousins Matt and Zack understand that Santa doesn't give presents to kids in Africa, which is why they offered to give some of their presents to those poor kids. I salute you, cousins. And Santa should be some serial killer who is trying to good by giving toys to kids and getting other serial killers to help him out and be his bitches. And he should give toys to poor kids too, they work harder than your average businessman...and that's just for survival.
Easter Bunny. A giant fat rabbit that somehow appears in your completely locked up house and does something different for most people. At my house he would fill the baskets with chocolate and then hide them, others he might hide chocolate eggs all over the place. I don't know, I don't care. That rabbit breaks into my house every year and hides my pretty basket full of stuff that could make me obese. Do you want half to population of Canada and America to go obese? Ok, well, lots of Americans are obese, but still. DO YOU WANT THEM TO GET EVEN MORE OBESE? That's gross man. Why the hell a rabbit? 'Because it's spring and rabbits are cute and fluffy.' I want chocolate delivered to my house by a eagle that drops flash grenades when kids try to peek at him hiding the eggs/baskets. Then he rips out their eyeballs, dips them in chocolate and eats them. And he probably works off all that chocolate by flying all around the world three times in eighteen seconds. And he gives chocolate to deserving little kids in Africa and Asia and such, because he's just that nice of a badass eagle.
Toothfairy: You loose a tooth and some happy little winged bastard someone flies into your room by unknown means and steals your tooth, leaving money in it's place. So basically leaving a tooth under your pillow automatically means it's for sale. I bet there's more than one toothfairy and they have battles to the death upon who gets the tooth. I used to get 25 cents for every tooth I lost, my spoiled cousins Jayda and Devon would get up to like, 4 bucks.

Not quite like that though.
I drew that in 3 minutes, so ignore the weird looking deer.
I guess the toothfairy only liked rotten kids. I think the toothfairy should actually be some weird cannibalistic native from the Amazon rainforest who takes kids teeth and makes necklaces out of them for his cannibal tribe but feels bad for stealing them so he leaves money he stole from your parents in place of the teeth.
Here's all three I drew together:

We're going to assume that the toothfairy speaks a weird language because he's from the Amazon.

Number Three:
The internet. Google images, facebook and basically any other site that shows my childhood heroes and idols engaging into awkward yaoi/yuri. I'm not against people who are like that in real life, but when you make my favourite pokemon characters do stuff like that, then you have broken my heart and scarred me for life. I've drawn a couple pictures of what it's supposed to be like, and what people want it to be like. Just no....
YES:

 NO:
























I suck at drawing yaoi/people kissing, but I don't care. Besides, Brock+Ash=NO.

That's all I can think of right now. Updates later.

Oh, and in my very first post I drew a cat. I've decided to name that cat Mr. Da Vinci. Just for the hell of it.

The Molesting Shower Curtain

Mom went out and bought a new shower curtain for the upstairs bathroom. Our old one was pretty good but it was getting grimy and gross. The new one that mom bought was flimsy, thin, and didn't reach the bottom of the shower. Also, it tried to molest me.
I stepped in the shower this morning and some kind of force within the curtain caused it to drew itself towards me, sort of wrapping itself around my leg. I kept on slapping at the curtain, but it kept drawing itself back to me.

Yes indeed. I put shampoo bottles in front of the curtain as a barrier. Thank you shampoo, for keeping my mop of hair clean and nice smelling, and protecting me from rapist shower curtains.

So now my fluffy hair that makes me look like a poofy adorable kitten is all soft and manly smelling. I used my sister's hair-dryer. It works really well, but it makes your hair really knotted and difficult to brush. It pisses me off sometimes.
That's all.

Just kidding.
One more thing:
I'm in love with a Moldavian band called Sunstroke Project. Especially the violinist. I've been saving pictures of him on my computer. He's gorgeous. Lots of people like the saxophonist because he does an awesome solo in their Eurovision song, but the violinist is adorable. I could go on forever about how he looks but I have to win him over before my friend Tessa does. I showed her a video with him in it and now she wants to steal him....even though she's already obsessed with the members of the German band 'Cinema Bizarre'.

^The gorgeous Anton Ragoza. ♥

And yes, I'm female and I use manly shampoo. Get over it. I like the smell of manly shampoo.

MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS

Only three days to go and I get to mutilate the wrapping paper off of boxes and packages like a boss.
Here's how I imagine it:

I made that in about four minutes. And I coloured it too.

Also, the guy who is saying 'lawl' is a Belgian dude who is visiting us for Christmas. His name's Chris. He's pretty badass.
My siblings and I would always wake up really early and sneak as quietly as possible into the living room without waking our parents, and then look at all the gifts and whisper amongst ourselves of what we think was hidden beneath the colourful wrapping. One year when I was little I got up earlier before my siblings and looked over at my stocking. I saw something lumpy and black, and I ran into my brother's room on the bridge of tears thinking it was a lump of coal. I was not sensible enough at that age to think that if it was a lump of coal, it'd be at the bottom of my stocking, not sticking out the top. The black lump turned out to be a pair of blue slippers (it was dark in the living room, so it made it seem as though the slippers were a dark colour).

See? I can draw good.
When I'm really happy my pupils disappear.
But I was devastated until my brother assured me it wasn't coal by showing me it was fuzzy.
I think it was a couple Christmas' ago or something, but my mom was exchanging presents with her friend in Ontario, and her daughters picked out a present for me. Apparently they didn't know me, because I was given a Barbie doll. I'm so glad they live on the other side of the country. So one of my friends suggested we make a video on '50 ways to destroy a Barbie doll'. Unfortunately, we never got it finished so the project that could have possibly won us 800 million views on youtube was discarded.
Even though none of us in our family are religious, we still celebrate Christmas because there are few things in the world that are as awesome as waking up and finding large amounts of presents under a dying tree who was leading a happy joyful life, absorbing sunlight until some bastard with an ugly mug comes along with an axe or a chainsaw and chops down his happiness and reason to feel good about being a tree. The birch trees are luckier than the other ones, but I'm sure some people find ripping bark off a birch tree enjoyable.

Dentists and Shopping

I hate dentists and orthodontists. I'm sure they have a crappy job, having to withstand horribly smelly breath and rotting teeth and the like, but in my opinion, it's worse for the patients. Your name is called, you follow the dentist into one of the many rooms that smell of weird toothpaste and they sit you down in what resembles an electric chair of rape and use foreign devices to pluck, pull, stab and rip apart your teeth with while their eyes gleam a bright red.

As for orthodontists, I have braces, but I'm getting them off in a couple months. They had to make moulds for my retainer, so they use this cold, slimy pink substance in which they plaster into giant metal plates they squeeze into your mouth, then press down onto your teeth for a full minute. The fact that the substance is cold doesn't bother me much, but that the giant metal plates go way back in your mouth, causing you to constantly gag and drool all over yourself. It's gross and it's hard to breathe because you're gagging and flailing your arms all over the place.

Then after prying open your jaws and removing the metal plate you're stuck with gross pink bits stuck in your teeth and braces. Doing the bottom jaw isn't nearly as bad as the top jaw, but either way it's a horrible experience.

After finally being allowed to let go I asked the dentist if I could have a pack of gum from the large glass vases  that they give to people after doing a normal dentist check-up. She stared at me with demonic, hateful eyes as though she wanted to rip out my spine and beat me with it. I took that as a no and quietly left.


Also, mom got me some cough drops. I was all happy and popped one in my mouth, expecting to taste great because it's eucalyptus flavoured, and I had eucalyptus flavoured tic-tacs on Germany which were the best ever, but as soon as the lozenge hit my taste buds I knew I was wrong. It's difficult to explain how gross it is, but the texture was like eating a piece of really hard wax. Bentasil...you have ruined the delicious taste of eucalyptus. Learn from the koalas and choose the right kind of eucalyptus, not the crap kind.

My mom and my brother went grocery shopping recently. Terry (my brother) normally buys his stuff separately, and because mom buys 'light' egg nog, which is 70% less fat, Terry of course, bought the original kind. And mom naturally complained, exclaiming that Terry is going to get fat. But only my sister is the larger one, really. And my dad. Terry and I are skinny as twigs, and all we do is sit at the computer all day and occasionally eat.

What is this...I don't even....

So having decided that I have nothing to do with my internet life, I've made a blog.
Here's a picture of a cat I made:

Unfortunately he doesn't have a name yet. I named him Mr. Da Vinci.

I'm not feeling very inspirational right now, probably because I've been coughing up my guts all day.
Dramatic real-life imagery:

I've been taking Tylenol for my headaches, Halls for my cough, and some questionable syrup we've had in the back cupboard for a while for my cold.

I'll update later when I actually have something to type about.